Jan
Strange Bedpersons
When I’m writing, I find that my reading often falls by the bedside (and I mean that literally as much as I do figuratively). I suppose this happens because my eyes need a break after staring at a computer screen all day. But lately, I’ve been trying to override that instinct and read anyway.
Because I want to. 
Anyway, I stumbled across today’s selection while haunting a nearby Borders. The cute little slippers on the front cover caught my eye from their spot on a front table. So I bought it. And read it.
The book was Strange Bedpersons by Jennifer Crusie. 
Now, my intention with these “Book” days is not to give an opinion on the book (though I liked it) but to discuss an aspect of the book as far as all of us are concerned (something we can bat around whether you’ve read the book or not).
Here’s a portion of the back jacket copy so we can get to our theme…
Tess Newhart knows her ex-boyfriend Nick Jamieson isn’t the right guy for her. He’s caviar and champagne; she’s take-out Chinese pot stickers. He’s an uptight Republican lawyer; she was raised in a commune. He wants to get ahead in business; she just wants…him.
What struck me about this romantic comedy (beyond the fact that opposites attract) was the notion of changing who you are in order to fit with someone else. Sure, there are things you can change if it brings harmony into a relationship. If one person is a neat freak, the messy one can pick their underwear up off the floor. If one prefers mean & potatoes and the other is a die-hard vegetarian, serve a few greens next to your filet mignon. But what about when it comes to bigger things? Parts of a person that simply are?
Like lifestyle–a party boy and a homebody? A temper and a softie? A Christian and a non-Christian? A book enthusiast and someone who thinks reading the back of a cereal box is too much?
Do you think people can change huge parts of who they are/what they think/how they act? And do you think it can last? Have you ever changed something about yourself to fit with someone else? What was it? And finally, is there a combination of personalities or a specific change you think simply can’t hold?
Come on. Weigh in…
~Elizabeth
January 5th, 2010 at 7:33 am
I’m not sure it’s so much a matter of change as it is respect and understanding of the others needs/lifestyles. My husband gets that I love writing. He doesn’t understand it but then I don’t love football the way he does, but I get it.
My first husband thought that if we weren’t joined at the hip doing everything together the marriage couldn’t survive. He was wrong. He smothered it with his insistance that we be alike. That I think like him.
We have two fairy tale themes we are brought up on. Cinderella gives up her life of scrubbing and soot for the life of the prince. She becomes one of them. And then there’s the countless other books where opposites attract. Gone with the wind. Not the best example since he leaves at the end –but hey, it’s early.
January 5th, 2010 at 8:59 am
People should not change what they are to be something that are not for another person. The drawback is that you’ll soon hate the person you became and the person you changed for.
Instead we have to learn how to compromise on who we both are and what we both can be to one another.
I’m shy, an introvert and a homebody and I tried to please my type A personality boyfriend and live his type of lifestyle and I have to tell you, I had more medical issues being with him than with others. Lesson learned: you can only be yourself and anyone who loves you will accept that in you as you accept what they are in them.
January 5th, 2010 at 9:45 am
Interesting topic!
My husband and I used to be much more opposite, but 28 years of marriage have rubbed the corners off us, and we are much more alike than we used to be. So I guess you could say we were attracted to one another because we were different, then we each gradually became more of what each other is.
Here’s an example: I was always a Democrat; he was a lifelong Republican. We used to have some hellacious arguments about politics. He has gradually come around more to my point of view, although I’ve gotten more moderate, too.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:09 am
I don’t like fighting and drama and found someone who doesn’t either. This doesn’t mean we always get along. We can go a day or two saying only enough to NOT fight, while working through things privately or deciding the problem wasn’t worth the disagreement and getting over it. I could never live with someone who yelled about things, especially little things, like many people I know do.
January 5th, 2010 at 10:28 am
I like what you said about the writing/football, Lynn. So simple yet says so much.
Dru, well put on the compromising who we are and what we can be to one another. I think that’s so important. If you don’t care enough about the other person to consider who/what you can be for them…it’s probably better to part. But it needs to go both ways. So many times you see one person who makes the adjustments and one who doesn’t. Those are the relationships that are truly doomed in my opinion.
Karen, interesting that you feel as if the two of you have kind of met in the middle. That sounds like heaven…
Kate, I think it’s important when we know a trait we can’t live with. To recognize that and honor it, is smart. Very, very smart. The problem is when the heart tries to drown out the head…
January 5th, 2010 at 1:17 pm
Tough question. Especially if the answer is yes.
Because then it shifts to, “Should people change if they can?”
Let’s take unhealthy behavior off the board and just look at wonderful, flawless, well adjusted people, like all of us (insert laughter here). And let’s say we’re not talking about small kindnesses, like starting your wife’s car when it’s cold, or telling your husband he might rethink the muscle shirt.
Let’s say we’re talking about real change. Something deep and permanent. Now I’m casting off a part of myself and adopting something new to meet someone’s needs. I’m saying that person’s happiness is more important than this piece of who I am.
But that sliver of me evolved from years of listening and learning. It was shaped by where I’ve been, and how I got there, and who I’ve loved, and who’s loved me.
I’d think a while before I let that go.
January 5th, 2010 at 2:28 pm
Should people change if they can? It depends on the value of the relationship. Should I change to make my mailman happy? Probably not. But when does the needs of the one outweigh the need of the couple or the family?
I probably shouldn’t be chiming in since my framework is from an unhealthy situation. (not the current one…just to clarify….)
January 5th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
Hmmm. I think we’ve got a fun topic here! I think knowing what means something to someone else is huge. If it’s something you *can* do, I think the question of whether you *want* to is critical. If the something compromises your well being then it shouldn’t be done because then the effect can be far reaching. Does that make sense?
January 5th, 2010 at 4:21 pm
Yup, makes sense.
We see this in fiction all the time. Until twenty years ago, it was the shy-but-strong woman taming the tough guy. Today, just as often, it’s a grounded, good-hearted guy trying to tame a tough-but-wounded woman (I guess Shakespeare covered the same ground, so maybe it’s not so new).
I think those push-pull situations make for good drama, but dicey relationships.
In real life, those character traits–Jamieson being caviar and champagne, Newhart being fast food and hippie culture–those are labels that hint at what’s inside.
The telling details.
It’s easy enough to change labels. But the stuff inside, the personality DNA that led to the label, that’s difficult.
Still thinking this one through…
Lynn makes a really good point. I’m talking about change which is neutral. I think she’s referring to a higher form of change–redemption which is noble and selfless, with higher stakes, and battles fought on a different plane.
Change for the sake of love–redemption, something selfless–you betcha. For that one, I’m on board.
January 5th, 2010 at 8:44 pm
Wow… a great bunch of comments. Where do I begin?
I believe that we can grow and change for the good if you’re doing it for the right reason, for yourself. Now if you’re changing to make someone like/love you but in the meantime the change you attempt to make makes you miserable and unhappy, then heck no… it’s not a good thing.
As for trying to make changes…. I’ve tried to change in some areas for my husband (of 29 yrs) but it just makes me MISERABLE so I just can’t do it. One of the changes is the way I keep house. I’m all “Work before you Play”… therefore I don’t feel comfortable going out and “playing” until the house is clean. My husband is just the opposite…. play, play, play… Well I’ve tried several times to “let loose”… to “let go”… but I end up being pushed to the limit and I go ballistic on living in a messy house.
Did I answer any of your questions Elizabeth????
January 6th, 2010 at 12:39 am
Brenda, LOVE what you said about changing for the right reason if it’s for yourself. Very interesting. And you know what? I think that’s a necessary component otherwise it will never stick.
January 6th, 2010 at 4:47 pm
I so strongly believe that changing yourself for someone is wrong just as expecting someone to change for you is also wrong. We are who we are and unless we only want to make changes for ourselves (hopefully for the better) any other changes will go against the natural and will become a chore to maintain or will turn this person into someone not very easy to live with. You can only love others if you love yourself and why would you profess to love someone if you wanted to change who they are? It’s a mad circle!!
I think we have all tried this – perhaps it is necessary for each of us to do this to truly learn who we are and what makes us happy. Call it growing pains or call it growing up but it’s almost a rite of passage when the trial is over and we can say “What you see is what you get. Love it or leave it.”
It’s also amazing how personalities can mesh – or not. What makes opposites attract? Perhaps it is the open-minded individuals who are not afraid of learning from others who find the most opportunity for interweaving their lives together and have the most opportunity for unique friendships and relationships? Perhaps it is the like-minded who have the most stable, focused relationships & friendships? Who’s to say! I try to give everyone a chance at finding a place in my life – the same as me, different from me, younger, older, of a different race or personality – and I like to see what life brings from our meeting.
January 7th, 2010 at 12:17 am
Mary, your last paragraph was beautiful. The way you say you like to me is so much the way I crafted Tori, the main character in my sewing circle. To be open–unconditionally–to friendships. A rare thing.