I think we have all tried this – perhaps it is necessary for each of us to do this to truly learn who we are and what makes us happy. Call it growing pains or call it growing up but it’s almost a rite of passage when the trial is over and we can say “What you see is what you get. Love it or leave it.”

It’s also amazing how personalities can mesh – or not. What makes opposites attract? Perhaps it is the open-minded individuals who are not afraid of learning from others who find the most opportunity for interweaving their lives together and have the most opportunity for unique friendships and relationships? Perhaps it is the like-minded who have the most stable, focused relationships & friendships? Who’s to say! I try to give everyone a chance at finding a place in my life – the same as me, different from me, younger, older, of a different race or personality – and I like to see what life brings from our meeting.

I believe that we can grow and change for the good if you’re doing it for the right reason, for yourself. Now if you’re changing to make someone like/love you but in the meantime the change you attempt to make makes you miserable and unhappy, then heck no… it’s not a good thing.

As for trying to make changes…. I’ve tried to change in some areas for my husband (of 29 yrs) but it just makes me MISERABLE so I just can’t do it. One of the changes is the way I keep house. I’m all “Work before you Play”… therefore I don’t feel comfortable going out and “playing” until the house is clean. My husband is just the opposite…. play, play, play… Well I’ve tried several times to “let loose”… to “let go”… but I end up being pushed to the limit and I go ballistic on living in a messy house.

Did I answer any of your questions Elizabeth????

We see this in fiction all the time. Until twenty years ago, it was the shy-but-strong woman taming the tough guy. Today, just as often, it’s a grounded, good-hearted guy trying to tame a tough-but-wounded woman (I guess Shakespeare covered the same ground, so maybe it’s not so new).

I think those push-pull situations make for good drama, but dicey relationships.

In real life, those character traits–Jamieson being caviar and champagne, Newhart being fast food and hippie culture–those are labels that hint at what’s inside.

The telling details.

It’s easy enough to change labels. But the stuff inside, the personality DNA that led to the label, that’s difficult.

Still thinking this one through…

Lynn makes a really good point. I’m talking about change which is neutral. I think she’s referring to a higher form of change–redemption which is noble and selfless, with higher stakes, and battles fought on a different plane.

Change for the sake of love–redemption, something selfless–you betcha. For that one, I’m on board.

I probably shouldn’t be chiming in since my framework is from an unhealthy situation. (not the current one…just to clarify….)

Because then it shifts to, “Should people change if they can?”

Let’s take unhealthy behavior off the board and just look at wonderful, flawless, well adjusted people, like all of us (insert laughter here). And let’s say we’re not talking about small kindnesses, like starting your wife’s car when it’s cold, or telling your husband he might rethink the muscle shirt.

Let’s say we’re talking about real change. Something deep and permanent. Now I’m casting off a part of myself and adopting something new to meet someone’s needs. I’m saying that person’s happiness is more important than this piece of who I am.

But that sliver of me evolved from years of listening and learning. It was shaped by where I’ve been, and how I got there, and who I’ve loved, and who’s loved me.

I’d think a while before I let that go.

Dru, well put on the compromising who we are and what we can be to one another. I think that’s so important. If you don’t care enough about the other person to consider who/what you can be for them…it’s probably better to part. But it needs to go both ways. So many times you see one person who makes the adjustments and one who doesn’t. Those are the relationships that are truly doomed in my opinion.

Karen, interesting that you feel as if the two of you have kind of met in the middle. That sounds like heaven…

Kate, I think it’s important when we know a trait we can’t live with. To recognize that and honor it, is smart. Very, very smart. The problem is when the heart tries to drown out the head…